Sharing that you are bisexual with your partner may have taken years to transpire. Now having come out, or having been found out, everything is in the open. It can be like a heavy weight lifted from your shoulders. You have revealed to your intimate partner who you really are. There is no longer need to hide or lie. The burden of carrying your secret story is lifted.
I am going to share with you some things you can do to help your wife through this new you.
Where you are at the moment is in a place of expansion. Your relationship is going to change, has to change. There will be a period of adjustment, for both of you. The time it will take is unknown. It is different for each couple. Be patient. You may have lifted a huge weight, which is necessary; however your wife and your relationship are going to need time to adjust.
Hearing the news of one’s husband being bisexual will be taken differently by each person. It can be a huge shock for your wife when you reveal something so intimate to her after years of her not knowing this part of you.
Allow your wife to express all the emotions she feels upon hearing the news you are bisexual. Stand back from taking anything personally. She may be shocked, upset, confused, angry, betrayed, hurt, terrified and will likely say things or act in ways that are not rational and are coming from fear.
Keep solid in who you are. Tell her you love her very much and you want to move through this together as a team.
If you have been together for a long time and this is just surfacing now, go over all the great things you have together; all the wonderful experiences you have had to this point; all the life events you have supported each other through. This is another big event in your lives that you are going to work through together.
Allow her to ask any question she may have right now. Answer as honest as you can. If you do not know the answer, because you have not figured this out for yourself yet, let her know that you want to work together to find a solution.
Make it known “often” how much you love her and want to be with her.
Take some time to just cuddle or have sex without talking.
Once your partner has settled down emotionally from the shock, you can begin to talk about what this might mean for you, for her and for your relationship.
Make it clear to your partner that you are bisexual and that you need to be accepted as such. What this means for her and for your relationship is the discussion you are going to discuss together for the next while.
If you can commit to staying together through this change, take it one step at a time.
Talk about how things change in a relationship; that they need to change; that you cannot get away from change.
Do not isolate each other. Keep your wife informed, help her get on board with what you want to explore. This will take negotiation and understanding, so work through it.
Begin to reveal what you want to do about coming out as bisexual. Start to talk about your needs with you wife.
If you have come out because you want the opportunity to explore with men, let your partner know this NOW. This is the time to put everything on the table and it has to be as clear as you can make it.
Keep in communication at all times. If she has said it is OK to go meet someone. Keep her informed. Ask her if she wants to know details.
Love her and be honest to her.
There may be jealousy issues, so be prepared to work through big emotions that may surface.
Suggest to your partner that she also open to her desires and feelings. Allow the focus to shift to what is going on for her. How has she been feeling sexually lately? What does she want to explore? Does she have fantasies that come up for her? Talk about it, giving her space to open up.
If you have been seeing someone behind her back or you met someone that you want to have sex with, suggest she meets that person. Go for coffee and talk. Be transparent. Be mature and adult about it.
Now you may have a wife who absolutely refuses to have anything to do with the fact you are bisexual. She refuses to accept you and she has stated clearly that she does not want you to partake in any M2M behaviours. She has closed down, does not understand, wants you to leave and refuses to discuss the situation with you. If you have done everything you can, including talk to a professional, then you may be on a different path than your wife at this point in your lives. What you have done in coming out as bisexual is not wrong or destructive. You are being who you are and this is the healthiest thing you can do for both of you. She may not be up for the change and that is OK as well.
Ending your relationship and going separate ways will be difficult. Going in the direction where both of you accept your new relationship and begin figuring out how your bisexual needs will be met is going to be as difficult. Neither direction is right or wrong.
What is important in supporting your wife is to be strong in who you are. Be honest in what you desire.
In the long run, revealing you are bisexual to your wife is going to allow for both of you to be and live more truthfully in the kind of relationship you want to create as you move forward.