When someone cheats in a relationship where two people still love each other but are possibly not as sexually involved as they use to be, there are 2 different reasons for this activity.
- Desire to explore ones sexuality.
- Fear of communicating with ones partner what is going on for them sexually.
Both reasons are not something we easily allow in a relationship. The beliefs we are taught and we practise around the topic of sex are highly negative and taboo. Instead of communicating ones desires, the individual represses that desire. It festers and eats away at them which in turn puts them more into the closet, unhappier, distant, disengaged and sometimes depressed or suicidal.
Someone who “cheats” goes through much internal struggle, sometimes for years or decades.
At some point that desire might become so overbearing that they act upon it, thinking this will relieve the stress. And it does, for a while. However there is still the issue of communicating to ones partner.
Eventually the truth will also be exposed, whether told directly, found or at the ending of the relationship, as it becomes unbearable to continue hiding and lying.
We can be very harsh on each other when it comes to claiming someone for ourselves, especially sexually. But I want to propose that we open our perspective a bit and offer the following definition for cheating:
“Experimenting sexually outside a relationship dynamic without consent because of the inability to communicate successfully with ones partner that one has other sexual desires.”
Yes, it is a personal choice to cheat on one’s partner and I am not condoning cheating.
The cheating does not have to be the end of the relationship however, this may be the best opportunity to start some real and open discussion about sex with your partner.
What is really going on your relationship sexually?
What are the frustrations in the relationship around sex?
What desires were unfilled to lead to cheating?
What would you like your intimate and sexual life to look like as a couple?
How do each of you want to grow and expand in your sexual lives?
How can you move forward in your relationship accommodating what each of you desires?
Through opening up to each other at a deeper personal level, you may decide on creating a very different relationship. One that can accommodate both of you in ways that allows for openness, understanding and more intimacy.
If you decide to part ways, then for the next relationship you enter, spend some time on figuring out for yourself who you are and what you want around the topic of sex so you can build new intimate connections with an open heart and open conversation.
Want to read more? Go to: “Sexless Marriage”