Sex? Not now, later, too tired, too busy, too old, can’t get it up, I just don’t feel like it or my partner does’nt want sex anymore. We love each other and we have sex occasionally but it is the same old thing, we are bored and there seems to be such a rift between us.
How do I get sex back into my relationship?
It starts by re-igniting intimacy and by creating desire again.
When you first meet everything is new and exciting. You can’t keep your hands off each other. Sex happens often and it happens spontaneously. You have a passionate desire for one another.
That person you first met is still there. They still want to feel that passion and connection. We lose track of it as priorities shift but it is possible to get it stirring again.
The sparks of intimacy and desire will eventually lead to sex so let’s start with building the intimacy between you again.
Go back to focusing on you. This is where you have all the control, your behaviours, your thoughts, your emotions. He will react to you and who you are.
Are you the person you would want to have sex with?
Are you affectionate and loving? Are you offering up lots of compliments and sweet comments? Are you kissing him passionately? Are you a desirous person? Are you spontaneous and sexy?
When I asked myself these questions, the answer was no. I had given so much time up for the kids and other parts of our lives, I was often too exhausted. At the same time, I wanted him and I wanted him to want me!
I was however rarely affectionate to my partner. I never initiated anything. We would talk and then argue about him wanting more sex and me wanting more affection, blaming each other for not getting what we desired. I would pull away cold and icy, and so would he. Looking back I see that I was so uninviting. I truly thought it was all his fault, that something was wrong with him and that I could do nothing about it.
We often blame our partners for the lack. Your partner is most likely feeling the same way.
Take control of your own pleasure. Act in the way you would like your partner to act towards you. Be the person you want in your life. Be that affectionate, sexy, complimentary, intimate person and you will see a partner start to reflect your mood.
Think carefully about what you really want?
I wanted to be desired and loved like it was when we first met. I wanted to have way more affection. I wanted some excitement and spontaneity. I wanted him to throw me on the bed and ravage me and also hold me in his arms, stroking my hair softly. Think about yourself in the relationship and focus on what it is that you really want to feel.
If you use to desire him, that is still there. Sometimes we feel that connection on a holiday or night away from the kids. We felt it for the first time in a long time on a holiday in Amsterdam. The kids were 7 and 8. We dropped them off at my mother-in-laws for 10 days and went on an adventure. It took us a few days to shed our parent selves and then our time together was magical. We found each other again for that 10 days.
I wanted to keep those desirous feelings when we returned but it was difficult. The many distractions, children, work all started to take prioroty again and we fell into the no intimacy and no sex rut again. What is wrong with him, I would think?
It did not occur to me until years later that I was just as much part of the falling into the rut as he was, and that I could make a difference by knowing what I wanted and by making an effort to consciously keep those feelings in me alive.
How can you start to shift in your thinking and actions to make change in the relationship?
Experiment. All you need to start doing is experimenting. What have you got to lose? If things are not good now, this may be a way to bring some healing into the relationship.
Take your experimentation slowly, one sexy move at a time, then see what happens.
Begin to touch him more when you talk to him; rub up against him inadvertently; kiss him longer than a peck; show him your beauty, your body and flirt with him like you would with a new lover.
Ask for something that is out of the ordinary and is slightly provocative.
One client always returned home from work and immediately went straight to the kitchen to clean up. I suggested that she relax on the couch, where her partner was, and sweetly ask for a glass of wine, something she said she always thought about doing. Someone else decided to set up a personal lingerie show for him in the bedroom with candles and music.
It can be whatever suites you. It is the change, the spontaneity and the intrigue that will bring back desire.
This will take commitment. You may feel embarrassed, silly and scared to put yourself back out there. But this is a key component in shifting the way things are right now and if you can start shifting yourself to becoming desirous, you will start to see changes in your partner’s behaviour.
I have to keep all these things in mind to this day in my relationship. We have jumped many hurdles but keeping intimacy and desire alive are always a work in progress. So far it has been working amazingly. We love each other more than ever, and we have a fulfilling sex life that we allow to change and morph.
What I do recognize is that I have to focus on being a loving, desirous, intimate and sexy person. After all that is what I want in him.
I can coach you along this path. Contact me for a free introductory session.