You have entered a marriage with a man. You may or may not have known that he was bisexual before the marriage but now he has either told you or he is wanting to act upon his bisexual desires.
I am going to talk about a scenario where you are in a marriage, you know he is bisexual and your bisexual husband either wants to have an experience with a man or he has just had an experience. You feel lost and insecure about what has happened. You want to support him, but this is just too overwhelming to even know how to deal with him wanting to have bisexual explorations.
The first and foremost thing to deal with is to go right to the core root of your belief system. A marriage and for many of us means heterosexual, long-term and monogamous. Most of us are raised to think that that is the only marriage scenario. We are confined to accept this as the best marriage scenario. We are led to believe that this marriage scenario will last for our entire lives. This is all so misleading and extremely restrictive on us as human beings.
For you who is married to a bisexual man, the heavy beliefs about marriage can make you feel guilty and inadequate in your relationship. So far, your partner has not acted upon his bisexual desires, so the reality of his desires has not really been something you have had to deal with directly. But now he wants to, or he already has! It is time to look at this more closely at what is going on for you around these concepts.
You are not in a traditional marriage. You have chosen to be in a marriage that is going to be very different, much more exploratory, much more expanding sexually and away from the traditional confines of what marriage has meant up to now.
Read over the sentences in bold slowly and really feel what they mean to you at this moment.
I am married to a bisexual man.
Do you understand what that means?
Your partner is interested in having sex with not only women but men as well.
He is open to exploring sexually with other sexes.
He has the desire to be with a man as well as a woman.
Accepting and understanding your partners sexual preferences can be difficult for someone who has always been heterosexual. Your partner has desires for both sexes just like you have desires for one sex. You must start to accept this fully if you want to be in an intimate relationship with him.
Right now, it is crucial that you accept him for who he is. Once you do, the two of you can move into figuring out how to create a relationship where he can explore his bisexuality and you can also feel supported in the choices.
I am in a non-monogamous relationship.
Now in the case where your partner wants to explore his bisexuality, you are now in a marriage that is non-monogamous.
This means that you and your partner will be engaging in sexual activity with other people, to start your partner engaging with men.
Where this goes and how the two of you decide to make the exploring work will be up to you, however experiences are going to take place and you must ground yourself in the new belief about your relationship.
Once again this is not a traditional relationship. You are creating something unique to the both of you. It is OK to do so. You are consenting adults who can do whatever the two of you want to do, whatever works for the two of, whatever makes both of you feel happy and supported in the relationship.
In my relationship, I fully committed to accepting him as bisexual. I knew full well this meant that non-monogamy was then on the table as well. I did have the choice to leave him and start over with someone else if I wanted to, but I could see that this was a new paradigm and path to exploration in which I was curious about. I was very much in love with him and did not want to lose him. After 12 years together, I knew we needed to make some drastic changes in our relationship. I also realized that I his would give me the ability to begin exploring my sexuality as well.
You do not have to know what the next steps are going to be yet. Right now, it is about acceptance and commitment. Get comfortable with this first and foremost. This will ground all your decisions because you won’t be constantly going back to questioning his bisexuality or the non-monogamy in the marriage.
I am not saying by any means that this is the easiest shift in belief systems, but it is crucial. Once you are truly in a place of acceptance, you will feel and relate to the adjustment as strongly as you have adjusted over all these years to heterosexual, monogamous idea of a marriage. That traditional concept is fading out very quickly in modern society. It is restricting and as Esther Perel states in her book The State of Affairs, “We are touching the new frontier, where sex outside can live within a marriage.”