There are two sides to the story when one partner is hiding their desires and the other is standing by, wondering why they feel cut off from their partner, not quite sure what is going on.
Both partners are in turmoil. When there is a sexual desire festering in one of the partners, the other is feeling the tension.
This disconnection builds up slowly.
Bruce has been married to Alice for 25 years. He loves her deeply. He has 3 children with her and now one grandchild. They have been together through thick and thin; change of careers, family holidays, soccer games, purchase of a house, the marriage of their eldest. They have been happy together, busy with life and all it has to offer.
Over the past 10 years however their sex life has been decreasing. Alice has gained weight and feels insecure about how she looks. Bruce feels he can never please her, no matter what he says or does. Unexpressed desires have been brewing for years. Bruce has been fantasizing about a same sex experience. The fantasy is growing. In his early days he had some experience and really enjoyed them. Now he wants to explore more but is terrified to express this to Alice.
Alice on the other hand, feels unsatisfied sexually. She feels as if Bruce does not desire her anymore so she has taken to filling her body with food. She fantasizes about sex, about being tied to a bed and taken. She has never told Bruce this fantasy, she is afraid he would think she was crazy. Instead Alice complains to Bruce often, blaming him for her own dissatisfaction.
They have both decided that this is age. This is marriage. This is what happens over the years. They both have desires but are too afraid to reveal anything. So nothing happens.
Their fear of opening up is literally stopping them from coming into more intimacy and joy in their lives.
At this point in a relationship, it is not time to give up. This is the point that requires strength and being vulnerable like never before.
We want to see our spouse happy, enjoying life and doing what they most desire. Often we spend much time trying to please our spouse in ways we think will please them. We rarely stop to focus on what pleases us even though that is what our spouse desires for us.
Traditional marriage often does allow for change and growth in many areas of the relationship except in the intimate and sexual. It is not considered that this part of us needs nurturing, understanding, communication and love.
BUT IT DOES. More than anything else in a relationship.
When you have reached a point of dissatisfaction, boredom and complacency, THEN IT IS TIME!
Time for what?
Time to OPEN up.
Time to REVEAL something intimate to your partner.
Time to tell them about that deep fantasy you have had for years and would like to explore.
Time to TALK about SEX.
I have a fantasy about having sex with another man.
I have a desire to be with another woman.
I have always wanted to experience a threesome.
I have thought about what it would be like to tie you up and spank you.
We all have something that lingers in our mental erotic sexual world. Now is the TIME to tell your partner.
Counter to all that FEAR you have building inside you, all the excuses you are making about not telling your partner, all the reasons why you are afraid and strongly believe that your partner will never go for it – this is the time to make the move.
Tell them you want to talk; that something has been on your mind for a long time; that you need to express a sexual desire that you cannot hold in anymore.
Bruce may not be able to tell Alice how he is feeling and what his true desires are. Bruce may decide to suppress it and continue on as they are, growing older together, days and years going by, their sex life slowly becoming non-existent. This is one way to continue.
Bruce can also choose to tell Alice. To be vulnerable. To find a love and acceptance within that allows him to express how he is truly feeling. Alice will not run away. Alice too has desires and hidden secrets. Alice too wants to experience other adventures. Alice also craves passion and sex back in her life.
A coming together of two people to develop a life as a couple is profound. We choose this person as our partner in life and our soul mate. We choose to be there as a support no matter what. This must include supporting each other sexually.
If you are able to allow this in your relationship, to at least begin an open, honest discussion, you are taking steps towards a relationship of deeper love than you have ever experienced.